DEAR CONGRESSMAN GEORGE WHITESIDES: My apologies for my debilitating tardiness, George. I’ve been meaning to ask you for a few favors since your election as SClarita’s House of Representatives, uh — representative. I should have contacted you 20 minutes after your November ascension, back when your Democrat Party ruled the land and your cash-hemorrhaging USAID was in full flower.

I hope it’s not too late, but I sure could use some foreign aid. Granted. I’m full-blooded, born and raised American. But, technically, I’m half-Polish. Since that rapscallion zillionaire Elon Musk has been vacuuming up the Washington, D.C., hog trough with his DOGE pork sewage-pumping truck, I’m worried there might not be any taxpayer-funded largesse left for me.

It’s not like I’m a posse of Ukrainian fashion designers seeking a free, all-expenses paid five-star trip to Paris to display their haute couture. Although, come to think about it, I’d be curious to see some leggy east European models strolling the catwalk in dented helmets and singed evening gowns.

But, speaking of going to need fashion, George? I’ve got this really cool vintage Indian Motorcycles leather jacket in need of drycleaning. If it’s not a problem, can you send $342,503.12 to help pay for getting out this stubborn stain? I was at Costco the other day, enjoying their delish $1.50 hot dog when, drat, a big blop of mustard dropped on my really cool biker jacket. My dry cleaner, Ygor? Ygor’s from Ukraine and he said his people use USAID all the time........

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