DEAR PRESIDENT TRUMP — Humbly I throw my hat (the one with the moose antlers, human eyeballs, spikes and barbed wire?) into the ring.

I understand you’ve brought back the Department of War. I ask to be anointed as your next cabinet pick, to work with Pete Hegseth, Secretary of Defense. If we need a Secretary of Surrender & Groveling, we can call Bernie Sanders. BTW. Have you noticed, sir, that “Secretary of War” abbreviates to “SOW” like the female farm piggie? If I may politely suggest, instead of calling me your, “SOW,” my personal pronoun is:

JOHN BOSTON: SCOURGE OF GOSH

I wouldn’t tempt The Almighty Himself, especially in the midst of battle, taking His name in vain. So. If you wouldn’t mind, please use, “Scourge of Gosh” as my title. It’s still, “SOG,” but it’s better than “SOW.” I also like, “John Boston: Scourge of the Lone Prairie.”

Question, sir. Changing “Defense” to “War?” Isn’t that going to cost us a trillion-six in letterhead alone? Couldn’t we have everyone, from private to chief of staff, just take a Sharpie marking pen and scribble the change in manually until it’s time to order new business cards or purchase orders?

I know. I know. But one Army Sharpie costs $12,018.

Speaking of moolah, how about more war funding for horses and new uniforms — something more barbarianesque to put the fear of the holy moly into our pagan enemies? I have a list. Bear, tiger, leopard or appropriately fierce endangered species fur capes. Horned helmets. Well. Not for those on submarine duty. You don’t want to trip over your own clumsy feet at 40,000 leagues under the sea and plunge a hole the size of a wine bottle in a nuclear submersible. As Secretary of War,........

© Santa Clarita Valley Signal