Talking about sex is not always easy, but sometimes it is the best way to prevent misunderstandings when it comes to sexual agreements. In a separate post, I discussed how feeling anxious or overwhelmed can lead people to shut down (or physically walk away) from a conversation. Here we take a look at another potential motivation for refusing to talk with a partner: the expression of power.

A disclaimer is in order. Disparities in relationship power can be associated with intimate partner violence. While most research has involved heterosexual couples, this finding has been replicated in studies of sexual and gender minority relationships (Bosco et al., 2022; Peitzmeier et al., 2020; Porsch et al., 2023; Robles et al., 2022). This post is not intended to address the needs of couples who are experiencing physical, sexual, or emotional abuse or those in which one partner is monitoring or controlling the other’s behavior. For those seeking that information, the Human Rights Campaign has compiled an overview of intimate partner violence among LGBTQ people with links to relevant national resources.

It can be tempting to think of power in terms of having the legitimate authority to tell someone else what to do (French & Raven, 1959). That is one form of power; however, silence can also be a way of asserting power and control. Consider this example.

Partner 1: Someone at work asked me the other day whether we are monogamous or not, and I realized I actually don’t know for sure. I mean, I have only just been with you, but we never really talked about it.

Partner 2: Do we need to?

Partner 1: I mean, it might be good to know that we’re on the same........

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