There's something about walking into our childhood home that can make many of us feel like we're 13 again. We arrive as capable adults with our own lives, and 10 minutes later find ourselves defending choices we made years ago or falling into arguments we swore we would never have again. It can be hard to watch ourselves from the outside and think, I don’t act like this anywhere else, so why do I do it here? This isn't a sign that all our growth has vanished; rather, our brain and nervous system are simply recognizing a familiar place and recalling the strategies that once helped us cope.

For many of us, the holidays function like an experiment in predictive coding, the brain's adaptive way of anticipating what will happen next based on what has happened before. You return to your childhood home, spend time in the place you grew up in, and sometimes even sit in the same seat at the table with the very same people. Your brain and body remember what those environments asked of you to belong and to avoid conflict, criticism, or abandonment. It doesn’t matter that you’ve done 50 hours of therapy or hold boundaries in the rest of your life. Instead, your system recognizes these particular people and this specific dynamic and starts preparing you for what typically happens here.

This is one reason you can feel mostly grounded until your parent makes one specific comment, and suddenly, there is an edge in your voice you have not heard in years. It's why your partner looks at you across the room, surprised by a defensive version of you they rarely see. It's why you may find yourself........

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