Why Relationships Matter

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Neurotic narcissism undermines many intimate relationships.

Repetition compulsion is driven by a wounded inner child hoping for a different outcome.

Confronting and grieving the past frees us to live more freely in the present.

This post is Part 4 of a series.

Many people have an uncanny attraction, a kind of unconscious radar or heat-seeking missile, for members of the opposite sex (or sometimes same sex) who blatantly or subtly resemble—psychologically if not physically—the parent with whom they had difficulties. And these are the people we tend to “fall in love” with or with whom we become romantically involved. The parallels are usually imperceptible at first (to ourselves though not to others), becoming more apparent as the relationship progresses. We choose such people unconsciously and unwittingly. That is the very nature of a neurosis. It’s a “blind spot” or a complex. Who in their right mind would consciously choose—or remain with—a partner who is rejecting, unavailable, or abusive? That would be pure masochism. But it is much more than masochism. It is a powerful unconscious repetition compulsion at play. (See my prior post.)

The Wounded Inner Child

That wounded, rejected, abandoned little boy or girl within us is still vying to win mommy or daddy’s love. In order for the repetition compulsion to play out, the love interest must, by definition, possess at least some of the emotional deficits or traits as the original........

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