Understanding Sexual Orientation

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Homonormativity is adopting heteronormative ways of being gay to be acceptable to heterosexist society.

Homonormativity is not always problematic but it can be if it represses queerness to appease a straight world.

Homonormativity can be a risk factor for psychological disturbances including depression.

Instead of adopting homonormativity, one can adopt a "chosen family" to enhance wellbeing.

Growing up gay in a small village was tough but I was raised by fairly liberal, secular parents. My first coming out (to my parents) wasn’t difficult because they accepted my sexual orientation. However, I will always remember my father’s comment: “I hope you won’t wear dresses”, and my mother’s question: “Will you not want to get married?” These comments struck me because the message was “You’re ok to be gay but can you be a gay version that is comfortable for us… and our neighbours?”

Indeed, being gay was ok as long as I was “passing” as a comfortable version for our heterosexual neighbours, which meant to wear male-identified clothes, have a good job, be monogamous and wanting to get married, being neat. And certainly not dying my hair, wearing nail polish, having visible tattoos and piercings, and definitely not wearing dresses. For years, in my twenties, I conformed to these norms while also being “openly gay”, not being aware that I was confirming to heteronormative ideals. Now, as a psychosexual and relationship psychotherapist, I realised that what I had experienced had a name: “homonormativity”, which is adopting heteronormative ways of being gay to be........

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