Every couple struggles with those moments when a switch has flipped and suddenly there’s a bubbling volcano of angry, negative emotions inside of both of you waiting to erupt. Before you know what’s happening, you each say or do things that you’ll surely regret later, but can’t stop.

In a relationship where one or both partners have ADHD, these escalations (amygdala takeovers) can happen extremely quickly due to challenges with emotional regulation, verbal impulse control, metacognition, and weaker working memory. One minute you’re OK; the next, it’s as if a match has been thrown on a pile of old painting rags and putrid fumes are polluting the health of your relationship. Significant emotional damage can ensue for both parties, potentially transforming tender love into toxic rage.

When couples struggle with anger, they often focus on what the other person could do differently or better. This is a trap: You can’t control what anyone else does; you can only control yourself. Thus, learning better tools for dealing with your own dysregulation is what’s called for.

When the amygdala becomes activated, the thinking brain (your prefrontal cortex) goes temporarily offline and feelings rule the day. In neurotypical brains, executive functioning skills help the amygdala calm down by engaging language to name the feelings instead of experiencing them, by accessing the capacity to step back and assess the situation, and by using rational thinking to find alternative solutions.

In ADHD brains, your executive functioning skills, already working so hard to accomplish and maintain daily life tasks, struggle with the extra burden of effectively dealing........

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