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Resentments create an undertow of anger and distance in a relationship.

Resentments are often about the past, childhood wounds, and unsolved problems.

The keys are reaching out and solving problems, changing your story, and getting closure.

Maybe it’s about the way your brother treated you at your sister’s wedding, or how your partner never fully explained why they unexpectedly decided to quit their job. Or, a long-ago memory of your mother’s reaction to meeting your college boyfriend. Whatever it was, whatever the situation, it lingers. You can remember exactly what your brother, partner, or mother said; how they looked, how you responded. It’s fried in your brain; it becomes fuel for arguments; it’s the grudge you hold on to that leads to awkwardness, distance, and maybe even cut-offs. It’s something that periodically raises its head when you least expect it; you can’t shake it, can’t let go of it, that continues to haunt you and your everyday life in some way.

Resentments are a distinct category of emotions and memories. Here is the anatomy of resentments:

1. They’re always about the past

It’s always about what has happened—today, yesterday, 10 years ago; not what’s unfolding now. An afterthought, a slow burn, or a quick wound that now won’t go away.

2. They often reflect a........

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