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Resentments create an undertow of anger and distance in a relationship.

Resentments are often about the past, childhood wounds, and unsolved problems.

The keys are reaching out and solving problems, changing your story, and getting closure.

Maybe it’s about the way your brother treated you at your sister’s wedding, or how your partner never fully explained why they unexpectedly decided to quit their job. Or, a long-ago memory of your mother’s reaction to meeting your college boyfriend. Whatever it was, whatever the situation, it lingers. You can remember exactly what your brother, partner, or mother said; how they looked, how you responded. It’s fried in your brain; it becomes fuel for arguments; it’s the grudge you hold on to that leads to awkwardness, distance, and maybe even cut-offs. It’s something that periodically raises its head when you least expect it; you can’t shake it, can’t let go of it, that continues to haunt you and your everyday life in some way.

Resentments are a distinct category of emotions and memories. Here is the anatomy of resentments:

1. They’re always about the past

It’s always about what has happened—today, yesterday, 10 years ago; not what’s unfolding now. An afterthought, a slow burn, or a quick wound that now won’t go away.

2. They often reflect a buildup of unresolved issues

Your brother’s reaction at the wedding was just the tip of the iceberg of how he’s treated you in the past. Your partner’s explanation was part and parcel of a longer pattern of not being fully honest.

3. They are frequently linked to old childhood wounds

You’ve always felt that your brother was dismissive of you since year one, and you’ve always believed that others never hear you or respect your opinion. Your partner’s lack of honesty is part of a long chain of others from your past doing the same. The same goes for your mother’s critical comments about your boyfriend.

Your resentment grows from feeling you don’t or didn’t deserve what happened, and you’re tired of being treated that way.

Maybe it’s time to put your resentments to rest. Here’s how to start:

Reach out and solve the problem

If you haven’t talked to your brother about how you felt about the wedding, or if you’ve essentially kept him at arm’s length or even cut him off, nothing will change if you keep doing the same things. The same goes for your partner and your mother. It’s time to reach out—by phone or email—to start that conversation, share your feelings, and address the elephant in the room.

By being proactive, you not only try to solve the problem but can also control the process—deciding when and how to steer the conversation. Here, you give your brother a heads-up that you want to talk to him sometime during the weekend about the wedding; you send an email to your mother regarding her criticism. The email gives you space to craft what you want to say so she can truly understand your feelings. You tell your partner that you need half an hour of his time to fully understand why he decided to quit the job.

Let them know why you’re bringing it up now, what you most need to hear, and what you want to gain from the conversation. It’s ultimately about finding closure.

What has also been fueling your resentment is the story you’ve been telling yourself forever—that your brother is dismissive, your partner dishonest, and your mother critical. Try changing the narrative, assume more positive and compassionate intentions, that everyone was doing their best—your brother was simply stressed or that he tends to speak without thinking, that your partner tends to avoid conflict, that your mother is normally anxious, sees problems where there are none, or has always been protective of you.

Relationships consist of patterns, with two people reacting to each other in predictable ways. Think about how adjusting your response could alter the pattern—if your partner avoids conflict, think about what you could do differently to help them feel safer. Take responsibility for your part in the dynamic.

Why Relationships Matter

Take our Can You Spot Red Flags In A Relationship?

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If reaching out on your own feels intimidating or overwhelming, consider suggesting a meeting with a therapist. They can create a safe space to begin these conversations by keeping everyone focused, ensuring everyone is heard, calming emotions, and helping you move forward rather than getting lost in the details or arguing over whose reality is right.

And if you can’t reach out...

If your mother, for example, has passed away or you’re not yet ready to have that conversation with your brother, you can still find closure on your own with this writing exercise: Imagine meeting with your brother, mother, or partner for an hour. Write longhand in a stream-of-consciousness style about what you want to get off your chest—your anger, disappointment, or perhaps old memories. See what emerges. Then write a second letter stating what you would ideally like the other person to say in response. Take your time, do it all in one sitting, observe what comes up, and notice how you feel.

Resentments are an emotional undertow in any relationship that can keep you and the other person constantly dragged down. Are you ready to finally put those wounds and that chapter to rest?

To find a therapist, please visit the Psychology Today Therapy Directory.

Taibbi, R. (2018). Doing family therapy, 4th ed. New York: Guilford.

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