Fortunately for me and others who treat distressed couples, those who come for treatment do so because the flame of hope still flickers. Encouragingly, however fragile or ephemeral their hope may be, it can be readily bolstered by helping partners purposely assign new meanings to their conflicts.

For example, rather than a bleak benchmark foretelling a breakup, the couple's distress can be dissected to reveal the personal meanings embedded in its underlying causes, in particular, each partner's individual need management abilities or lack of the same—their disabilities.

Briefly, relationship failure can be explained as chronic, poor personal need management that culminates in protracted, unresolved, and often insufferable conflict that beckons couple breakups.

Many couples feel hugely unburdened, sometimes even delighted, to discover the much-needed relief of a coherent, understandable, and cogent diagnosis of their otherwise mind-numbingly confusing and painful conflicts. With a therapeutic eye fixed on each partner's individual need management style, clear, concrete, causative explanations can be unearthed that point to potentially effective treatment interventions.

Sean and Lisa have been married for 11 years. Of late, Lisa complains that Sean is increasingly distant and unreachable. "Sean works too much and when he's home he spends all his time on the computer." Worse, Lisa accuses Sean of no longer being interested in her. "He doesn't care...He doesn't want me sexually." Lisa claims she's tried to make Sean responsive to her, but it "never" works.

Driven by emotional desperation and her "conviction" that Sean was estranged and beyond reach, Lisa had an affair that........

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