The Importance of Forgiveness

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Forgiveness is not easy to define, based on the many definitions that appear in the psychological literature.

It is vital to have a common definition of forgiveness for science to proceed.

Science, mental health practice, and self-help approaches all need to understand clearly what forgiveness is.

In February 2025, an entire issue of the American Psychological Association's Journal of Theoretical and Philosophical Psychology was devoted to the question of how to define forgiveness accurately (Song et al., 2025). It took six psychologists and three philosophers 68 pages to wrestle with the question posed here: What exactly is forgiveness, and can we reach an agreement on it? In this post, I want to share the struggles that these academic professionals had as they grappled with the question. I will pose nine statements about what forgiveness might be. Your task is to choose what you think is the one and only right answer. I then will give you my view on each of them so that you can continue to think more deeply about what forgiveness is, so that you can accurately and possibly successfully complete the task of forgiving if or when someone is deeply unjust to you.

Here is your forgiveness exam. Choose what you consider to be the best answer to the question, “What exactly is forgiveness?”:

This is a trick question because there are wide variations across cultures on how forgiveness is expressed.

When people forgive, the key issue is that they move on from the situation by putting it behind them.

When people forgive, they can forget what happened to them, so the unjust situation no longer bothers those who forgave.

When people forgive, they stop seeking a fair solution to the problem between themselves and the people who behaved badly.

When people forgive, they try to rise above their angry feelings by thinking positive thoughts about issues that do not necessarily relate to the injustice.

When people forgive, they try to rise above their angry feelings by thinking positive thoughts about the person who was unfair.

When people forgive, they come together with the one who offended them, and so they have mutual trust.

When people forgive, they try, as best they can today, to be good in thoughts, feelings, and behaviors to the one who offended them.

When people forgive, they try to reduce resentment (in thoughts, feelings, and behaviors) and offer love (all three aspects) toward the offending person for the other’s sake.

Here are the answers, derived from the Aristotelian assumption (Song et al., 2025), consistent with science, that forgiveness does have an objective reality that can be understood, measured, and tried toward the goal of improving one's own well-being and possibly that of the ones who were unjust.

Incorrect. If forgiveness is so flexible that it cannot be defined across cultures, then there can be no science of forgiveness. Science is to look at laws or commonalities across situations. Even if cultures have some differences, which Aristotle called accidents, these accidents do not detract from a common theme of forgiveness across cultures. This essence, or the objective commonalities, makes the development of forgiveness measures possible. Philosophers such as North (1987) and Holmgren (1997) define forgiveness as a moral virtue. All moral virtues concern the good of others. The specific philosophical difference between forgiveness and all other moral virtues is this: The forgiver deliberately is good to the one who acted badly. A complete moral virtue includes affect (such as empathy and compassion), cognition (understanding the inherent worth of the offending person), and behavior (merciful actions toward that person), including the diminishing of the negatives in these three qualities.

Incorrect. People can "put the situation behind” them, but still be deeply bothered by ongoing anger or even hatred toward the offending person. This is the opposite of exercising a moral virtue.

Incorrect. We rarely completely forget trauma against us. As an analogy, if you ever fell and broke a bone, you don't forget this. Instead, you remember in new ways. Besides this, forgiveness is not about focusing on and responding to the injustice itself but on the person who engaged in that injustice.

Incorrect. As Aristotle reminds us, when we exercise a moral virtue, we should do so along with other moral virtues. In other words, forgiveness and justice can be exercised together.

Incorrect. This describes a distraction, and this has nothing to do with the one who acted unfairly. Thus, such distractions are not moral virtues, and so this is not what forgiveness is.

Partially correct. Yes, we strive to reduce negative thoughts about the offending person, but this done exclusively is too reductionistic regarding what a moral virtue is (see the response to issue #1 above).

Incorrect. This definition confuses forgiving and reconciling. Reconciliation occurs when two or more people come together again in mutual trust. If the other cannot be trusted, a person can forgive and then not reconcile.

Partially correct. Yes, as people forgive, they strive to be good to the one who was unfair. Yet, this is too reductionistic because a full moral virtue also would include striving to get rid of negative feelings (resentment), cognitions (condemning thoughts), and behavior (revenge), along with the positive qualities.

9. Yes, this is the most complete definition of forgiveness because it captures the essence of a moral virtue in the context of being treated unfairly. It includes diminishing the negative issues and developing the positive toward the offending person for that person's sake.

Your thinking through the essence of forgiveness is important so that you do not go down a path that is not forgiveness. In my experience, many people use the word “forgiveness” but never have taken the time to deeply explore what it is and what it is not. May your forgiveness journey, if you choose to embark on it, be accurate and successful.

The Importance of Forgiveness

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Holmgren, M. R. (1993). Forgiveness and the Intrinsic Value of Persons. American Philosophical Quarterly, 30(4), 341–352. http://www.jstor.org/stable/20014472

North, J. (1987). Wrongdoing and forgiveness. Philosophy, 62, 499–508. DOI: https://doi.org/10.1017/S003181910003905X

Song, J., Enright, R.D., & Kim, J. (2025). Definitional drift within the science of forgiveness:The dangers of avoiding philosophical analyses. Journal of Theoretical and Philosophical Psychology, 45(1), 3–24. doi: https://doi.org/10.1037/teo0000278

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