Many people who have experienced the sorrow of an unwanted relationship breakup know how hard it is to start over. Understandable fears of another possible failure can haunt a person suffering from the grief of that loss. Those who come to me for help after a relationship failure repeatedly ask me the same questions:

“How do I make sure I choose more wisely next time?”

“How can I ever open up again without feeling I’ll just be abandoned again?”

“I thought this relationship would last. How can I ever know what is real?”

“If I allow myself to love again, will the past stop hurting so much?”

“Can true love erase my feelings of failing?”

“Am I doomed to failing if I allow myself to love again?”

These are all honest and important questions and those asking them of me are desperately looking for reassurance. They want to believe that a new love can erase their past heartbreak.

Sadly, I tell them that no new relationship, no matter how wonderful, can, or should fix something it didn’t break. Expecting that a new partner can rescue and heal the past they were not part of puts an untenable burden on them. The healing of a past failure is the sole responsibility of the person who endured it, and preferably before they seek a new relationship.

What, then, should a person in the throes of relationship failure do before seeking love again, and how can a new partner help them stay on that path without feeling the need to........

© Psychology Today