Only 10% of the hundreds of couples I’ve treated in Couples Counseling were willing and able to develop emotional intimacy. Most people find it to be too messy. One operational definition of emotional intimacy might be the unity created by two committed and unique individuals. The messy challenge is to honor your individuality while attending to the couple's unity. Let’s look at four levels of messiness and how to clean them up.

The First Mess—This is the mess of too much unity. Either one or both people are sacrificing their individuality. One indication that this is occurring is that there are no complaints, problems, or conflicts, all in the name of “Aren’t we so compatible and happy?” But someone’s individuality is being betrayed. The driving emotional energy is typically someone’s abandonment fear.

The Clean- up

1) Someone needs to feel the loss of self and complain.

2) That person can become more honest by searching for and identifying what they truly love, desire, believe, and value.

3) The person getting closer to themselves can reassure the partner that the goal is to access more of themselves and bring more to the relationship.

4) The partner must be clear about their fear and express that non-blamefully. Getting professional support for this tender shift in the relationship may be helpful. Learning to welcome one another’s........

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