The Fundamentals of Sex

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A preference becomes objectification when a desired trait eclipses the person as a whole.

Ethical fetish exploration puts a partner’s health and comfort above sexual gratification.

Disclosing a fetish should invite understanding, not pressure a partner to fulfill it.

I have a friend who’s really into dating highly educated people, with three of her last four partners having had PhDs. Another friend is a white girl who is always pursuing a person of color every time we go out. One of my clients, who has a sneeze fetish, specifically seeks out women boasting what he considers “cute sneezes.” Another client is a self-proclaimed devotee: someone who is aroused by disability. Their last three partners have been wheelchair users. I tend to be into nerdy Jewish boys who have lived at their parents’ houses for too long.

When it comes to whom we are attracted to, where is the line between pursuing your preferences and objectifying people? And is there a way to ethically fetishize someone?

The point at which a preference tips into a problem is hard to identify, but there is a question you can ask to figure it out: Are you considering the person as a whole human, or is the rest of them just a vehicle for the thing you’re really into? Because the other, rather obvious, but wildly underutilized rule for how to be both decent and horny is to treat people as... people. Like, whole humans who lead independent and complicated lives independent of your sexual desires.

An Example of the Human-First Approach to Fetish

Meet Robin, a smoking enthusiast. Broad, compelling, and thoughtful, he comes off a bit like a football coach with a smoking fetish and an interest in 19th-century literature. An alluring woman with pink glasses and a cigarette hanging from her lips stared past us from a picture........

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