Many clients I work with report some frequent or occasional challenges with sexual performance and satisfaction. This can be very stressful for a number of reasons. The first is that it often puts stress on the relationship.

For better or worse, men experience a great deal of pressure to perform sexually, and often feel that their status in a relationship and as a man, relies on satisfying their partner sexually. This is very often a narrowly defined notion of success, focusing specifically on intercourse and orgasm. Especially at the beginning of relationships, sex is a way to ‘shore up’ the relationship and build the bond and attachment between two people. If sex is not working to one’s expectation, then fears of a weakening bond increase, which can add extra pressure and come to be a self-fulfilling prophecy.

More intense pressure leads to greater stakes and expectations, leading to greater anxiety, stress and difficulties in the bedroom. Stress, pressure and “being in your head” are of course the biggest obstacles to intimacy, which is experienced best when we are “embodied” and physically and mentally present and attuned to ourselves and our partner.

The second major relational stress of sexual challenge concerns the effects on the man’s partner. In heterosexual relationships, female partners often experience a man’s low desire or erectile issue as their fault and problem. Often women experience a man’s sexual challenges as an effect of her performance, attraction or general likability. This can generate shame, guilt and irritation on the affected partner's end, as she may worry that her male partner is simply not attracted to her, that he has eyes for someone else, or that he is gay or asexual.

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