In part one of this series, I described an experience in which my daughter had accomplished something really big, and how I’d done a thousand and one things to support and celebrate her and honor her achievement. I also “confessed” that there was something I didn’t do—because I really didn’t want to. I had reached my limit of what I could give and still be okay. It felt like I couldn’t bear to do it.

But what I didn’t do, it turned out, was something that my daughter really wanted, and far more important (as is often the case) than everything I did do. This one missing piece symbolized how much I valued her efforts. And not only that, it turned out to be the gauge for how selfish or loving I am—how willing to inconvenience myself for her or anyone.

Nonetheless, despite the arsenal of guilt coming at me, I didn’t feel guilty. I felt very sad and very angry—but not guilty. The absence of guilt, which has been such a constant in my life as a mom, surprised me and led me to ask myself what was different this time. What had allowed me to hold onto my own worth and good mom status in the face of what could have been a very different and far more complicated experience.

What was different was how I responded to her blame. As soon as I felt it coming at me and the bad mom narrative taking form, I asked myself, “Do I feel genuinely guilty for this choice? Or is this learned guilt—guilt I’m supposed to feel, that’s been assigned to me by my culture and now my family? Have I violated my own values? Have I done something truly unkind?” The answer was “no” on all fronts. This was guilt I’d been conditioned to feel.

I then reminded myself of everything I had done over the last seven months to celebrate and........

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