Why Relationships Matter

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We are fed the idea that a good relationship means you regulate your distress together and are fully seen.

Making connection a constant requirement is risky: More mundane times are evidence something is wrong.

A relationship centred on loyalty, kindness, and shared childcare can be a more realistic vision of success.

Intimacy, attunement, emotional responsiveness: The language varies, but the ideal remains much the same. You should feel deeply known by your partner and connected at all times. You should understand each other, share values, regulate your distress together, and strive to be fully seen.

Connection has become one of the main ways we judge a relationship. You are encouraged to protect it, cultivate it, discuss it, and work hard to recover it. Sometimes you might even wonder if you should leave and seek it elsewhere.

Of course connection matters. But a good relationship cannot be a continuous series of emotionally charged encounters. A beautiful sunset is a pleasure, but you cannot sensibly expect one every evening. The trouble begins when connection becomes a constant requirement or the yardstick by which you measure everything else.

In any long-term relationship, there will be times when you feel less close to one another. A new job might mean work becomes all-consuming for a while. One of you might become ill or need to care for a relative. Money may be tight. And when you’re raising children, there are times when your entire relationship seems to consist mainly........

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