Doug is the CEO of a tech startup, on call 24-7. Even at the dinner table, he’s answering texts from his subordinates. His two elementary-age children, Josh and Sarah, have noticed he’s never really “there,” but their mother, Jane, instructs them that they must not bother him, since he is a very important person.

Then she reminds the nanny to keep the children in line. This is usually said as she’s rushing out the door to her various volunteer positions—at the church, at the Junior League, and at whatever gala event can rope her into a leadership position. In fact, both parents seem to find most of their lives exist outside of the house, rather than in it.

The parents are not necessarily ill-intentioned. They love their children, but their focus is elsewhere. Both Josh and Sarah love their nanny, Mara, but she’s leaving in the fall for a different job, and they’re both feeling a deep sense of loss that neither of them has the words to voice. Josh, starved for attention, becomes a pleaser, a practically perfect teacher’s pet and an easy target for manipulators. Sarah decides that negative attention is better than no attention at all and delights in finding ways to get herself kicked out of school.

Doug and Jane have adopted the inattentive/disengaged parent position, a type of parenting that has particularly negative outcomes for children. Popular media often depicts such parents as on the edge of poverty or suffering from addiction, depression, or serious mental illness. However, this damaging parenting position can be adopted by people of all walks of life.........

© Psychology Today