People report they have changed in the past 10 years; their family and friends don't think so.

Specific, observable behaviors are easier to change and measure than vague traits.

Awareness of automatic responses is key to overcoming blindspots and driving change.

Can people really change? When asked, we say, “Yes!” We are obviously not the same person we were 10 years ago.

But surveys say: “Not so much.”

When researchers ask people if they’ve changed in the past 10 years, people usually say they’ve changed quite a lot. However, when those researchers ask their family and friends, they report seeing little or no change.

What’s going on? Why the mismatch between our view of ourselves and others’ view of us?

Aren’t we the experts on who we are? Or do others see us more accurately than we see ourselves? As the Irish poet Robert Burns wrote, “O wad some Power the giftie gie us / To see oursels as ithers see us!”

Do Life Experiences Change Who We Are?

One explanation for these different perceptions is that we tend to value the importance of our life experiences, while others anchor on the stable personality traits they know us for.

We are aware of how we have responded to significant life experiences. We have adjusted our values, perceptions, and behaviors in response to a relationship breakup, job loss, major move, or the birth of a child. And we often rewrite our personal narrative after these major life experiences. “I used to be shy and introverted, but after moving and starting a new life in a new city, I had to become outgoing and social.”

However, our family and friends see it differently. Their opinions were formed early in our relationships and became fixed on traits they have observed: “He does talk a bit more, but he is still introverted and shy.”

So which statement is true? Maybe both.

We can change and stay fundamentally the same.

That distinction matters because it points toward the part of ourselves where change is most........

© Psychology Today