How you establish the relationship in a conversation determines whether or not someone wants to engage.

The deciding factor that determines if someone will fully engage with you throughout a conversation is flow.

The back-and-forth flow in a conversation must feel easy to relieve tension instead of creating friction.

You create flow with a positive intention and desire to know their views before rushing to give your ideas.

There are two possibilities that can occur in a conversation – they want to listen to you or they don’t. They might hear some of your words, but the deciding factor that determines if someone will fully engage with you is flow. Are you interacting in a way that ensures they feel you are listening and responding to what they say? Or are you jumping to tell your story or explain your beliefs without acknowledging theirs? The back-and-forth flow must feel easy to relieve tension instead of creating friction.

If there isn’t a comfortable flow to the conversation where the people you talk to feel heard, understood, and that their thoughts are important even if you don’t agree, you won’t get the outcome you hope for.

Establish the Relationship With Intention

Author Ursula K. Le Guin wrote, “In most cases of people actually talking to one another, human communication cannot be reduced to information. The message not only involves, it is, a relationship between speaker and hearer.”1 Every conversation is affected by the quality of the relationship in that moment. The way you receive and respond to what is said invites others to engage with you or makes them wary of your motives.

To establish a respectful flow, don’t enter with the intention to change the person. They must feel that you are calm, inviting, and accessible. Author Parker said, “The human soul doesn’t want to be advised or fixed or saved, it simply wants to be witnessed – to be seen, heard, and companioned exactly as it is.”2 Your desire to learn and understand creates a relationship of connection.

Start by setting the emotional tone before you speak one word. They should feel your open presence, that you care about who they are and you welcome their thoughts.

Maintaining this connection and flow then depends on how you listen. Before any conversation, determine what intention you have. To engage someone, your intention should be at least for one of these outcomes:3

To establish a positive connection. You engage to strengthen the relationship. You stay present throughout the conversation, resisting the urge to quickly know what they mean without asking, and what they need before understanding what they see and really want. You must stay comfortable with not knowing.

To let someone know you value them and accept their ideas even if you disagree. You listen so people feel you care enough to take time to understand what they see and feel. You have empathy for their experience even when you don’t have the same perspective or opinions.

To explore, learn, and grow together. You listen with curiosity to the interesting human in front of you who has lived a life different from yours. You accept their perspective of situations and themselves without judgement. Their thoughts are where they are today and might change through open dialogue.

Maintain the Relationship With Curiosity and Acceptance

With one or more of these intentions in mind, follow these practices to keep the conversation flowing.

Feel Curious – Genuinely want to know more. Ask what their key words and phrases mean to them. When they state a strong belief, wonder what led them to be certain about their ideas, explore what is most important to them now, and then ask what they hope for in the future. Receive what they share and summarize what seems essential to them so they feel understood and accepted.

Play Friendly Volleyball – Seek to return what they offer. Synchronize your timing with theirs as if you were playing, dancing or composing music together. Receive what they offer and instead of thinking about how this relates to your beliefs, share what you heard and then seek clarity around what they see now and what it would look like if what they most desire came true .

Seek to Agree on What They See – When it feels like they have laid out their story to you, explained what they mean and what is important, and named what they desire, concisely summarize the essential pieces you hear to ensure you see what they see and understand their views. When you accept and confirm that you grasp their perspective, they are likely to be open to hearing your ideas as well.

Release Judgement – We are all judgmental by nature because judging is a part of our survival instinct. You must learn to catch the tension in your body when your brain reacts to what it thinks is wrong or right. Catch it, then let both the tension and your thoughts go so you can courageously return to being curious with compassion.

Notice Common Desires – After you hear their story and summarize what they see, want, and why, you can then ask if they are open to hearing what you see and why. If they say they are willing to hear you, start by sharing what you see as common desires. What did they say they want to see more of or what they hoped will change that relates to what you want as well? Start here. Share your common desires before you lay out your perspective. Hopefully you will end on common ground or at least, leave the conversation respecting each other’s views.

When a conversation flows well, both you and those you are with feel heard, understood, and respectfully accepted. These tips will help you get positive results even in difficult conversations.

1 Ursula K. Le Guin. “Telling Is Listening” Essay in The Wave in the Mind: Talks and Essays on the Writer, the Reader, and the Imagination. Shambhala. February, 2004, p. 188.

2 Parker J. Palmer. “The Gift of Presence, The Perils of Advice.” Life Being Project. April 2016. https://onbeing.org/blog/the-gift-of-presence-the-perils-of-advice/

3 Marcia Reynolds. Coach the Person, Not the Problem 2nd Edition, Berrett-Koehler Publishers. March, 2026. pp. 81-83.

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