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Upset about not having a genetic tie to your child is your issue alone.

Donor conceived or not, your child will see you as their parent.

You can grieve over the loss of not having a genetically related child and have a wonderful family.

Your feelings about a loss of a genetic connection do not need to affect your relationship with your child.

Loving your donor conceived child and grieving over your genetics are two separate issues.

At first glance, that sentence may sound confusing. How can someone be excited to become a parent and at the same time feel upset about using the assistance of an egg or sperm donor to have their child?

I see this all the time. People feel anxious or sad about using a donor and then assume those feelings mean they won’t be able to love or bond with their child. Very quickly, the mind races with worries such as:

Will the baby look like me or my family?

Will they have any of our traits or quirks?

What will I tell my parents, especially my mother who has longed for a grandchild for years?

What if I’m bothered by the lack of a genetic connection and my child can feel it?

What if my child is bothered by the lack of a genetic connection and that affects our relationship?

Most of us were raised with a simple picture of parenthood. We imagine a beautiful family of our own. Some children play house, tuck in their dolls or pets at night, and repeat phrases they have heard from their parents. Vary rarely, does that include a child who is not genetically related to us or our partner. So when donor conception becomes part of the picture, no one feels prepared.

The truth is that no one is fully prepared for parenting. Babies don’t arrive with manuals. Many parents take comfort in believing that a genetic link will help them feel "naturally" connected and able to understand their child and their child's needs. When this link is not there, parents and parents-to-be may feel lost, not knowing how they will form a connection and bond with their child. But that grief belongs to the parent. It is their loss. The child will be an innocent and beautiful being who only knows their parent as their primary connection in life and will bond with that parent, as children do.

During the family building journey, the pain of not having a child and the pain of losing that genetic tie can hurt at the same time. They can feel fused together, but when that baby arrives, the pain over not being a parent is gone. That longing for snuggling with your baby, sharing your joy with friends and family, going to the mommy and me classes and all of it, will be yours.

What may be left are any feelings of loss that still exist. They may take time to fade. Perhaps they appear when you realize your baby doesn't have your families dimples or when someone in the supermarket tells you how much your child looks like you. Every person and every situation is different.

The part that is imporant to remember is that feeling of loss is your issue to manage over time, with your partner or with a therapist. It is your issue and your issue alone. It does not need to affect your relationship with your child.

Knowing this distinction may help your parenting and treatment experience. You can honor your feelings of grief or loss and fully embrace the joys and difficulties of being a parent. Donor conception is a different way to build your family, but in the most imporatnt ways, your family and parenting experience will be just like everyone else's.

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