If you’re terrified of making mistakes, you’re likely a perfectionist. While many accept mistakes as a key part of growth, perfectionists tend to form a deep sense of meaning around them, which may or may not be true. For example, if I make a mistake on a test, that must mean I’m not brilliant; many go as far as thinking “I’m stupid.” Or, if I have a bad game, that must mean I’ll never become a great basketball player. In perfectionism, mistakes speak to one’s essence (which is overgeneralized), revealing how flawed or rotten it is.

Fundamentally, then, it feels as though one is either great or isn’t (with an accompanying internal voice stoking the flames of rebellion against that notion). So, the great ones make no mistakes while the ordinary ones always do. This mentality is a form of black-and-white thinking. It may be true that those who are more naturally adept make fewer mistakes and may learn a skill more quickly than their peers. But most of us can handle that. Perfectionists, however, equate greatness with life-satisfaction — a fix for all of their problems. A perfectionist may say, “If I’m great, people will like me. I’ll finally fall in love and be happy.” Often, behind it is a deep interpersonal loneliness or sense of emptiness, accompanied by the belief that people are only attracted to those who truly matter, to greatness, which perpetuates a drive that periodically fills the hole.

Mistakes, then, serve as reminders of how distant that vision is. Many of our perfectionist patients speak of life as though much of it resembles a high........

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