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Emotional holding, not strategy, is what allows real intimacy to develop.

Choose emotional steadiness over intensity to build a secure connection.

Mixed signals and inconsistent texting destabilize early relationships and increase dating anxiety.

Have you ever reread a text after a date in an attempt to decode what a slow reply or a short message really meant? If so, you have certainly felt how quickly modern dating can get dicey.

I have had clients pull out their phone to read me a text exchange, enlisting my skills as a dating detective to help them decipher and interpret the nuances of the texts. It seems like early dating is too often about tactics: when to text, how long to wait, how not to look too interested, as if finding a partner is a strategy problem rather than whether two people are building enough trust for intimacy to grow.

People usually blame their attachment style. They say, “I’m too anxious,” or “I always pick avoidant partners.” Clinically, that could be true, depending on the person. However, there is a more important and layered concept to consider when choosing a potential partner: emotional safety.

Long before attachment theory went mainstream via pop psychology and social media, psychoanalyst D.W. Winnicott described what he called a holding environment in his 1960 paper "The Theory of the Parent-Infant Relationship." As the title suggests, the idea of a holding environment represents the total environmental care provided to an infant, including physical holding, handling, and responding to needs. It is both literal (holding the baby) and metaphorical (feeling secure).

Clearly, Winnicott’s concept of holding originated in child development; to me, it translates readily to adult relationships. Winnicott’s concept of a holding environment keeps coming up for me in sessions about dating. It's one of those ideas that sounds academic but explains so much of what I see.

The idea is pretty straightforward: People open up when they feel emotionally safe and steady with someone. A holding environment means you're emotionally present enough that another person's feelings don't make you disappear, retaliate, or shut down. You can stay there when a real emotion shows up, not fixing it or judging it, just staying in contact and being available for vulnerability.

Terence, mid-thirties, came to therapy after several intense but short relationships. He felt embarrassed by how preoccupied he became between dates. With one potential partner, he kept rereading their messages, analyzing every word for clues. He would spend entire sessions trying to interpret what was being said “in between the lines.” If his date took time to respond, he assumed interest was fading. He would sometimes become paralyzed with how to construct a single response. And the text analysis wouldn’t end in my office; Terence would enlist friends to read entire exchanges to help him understand what the date meant.

While Terence may have had an anxious attachment style, he was fueling his insecurity by choosing people who were not emotionally safe enough for him. He always left an in-person date feeling great, but his anxiety increased exponentially when apart from the person. If we are in a good relationship, new or not, we feel safe together or apart.

Think about it like this: if you are apart from your romantic partner, it is nice to know we are not “out of sight, out of mind.” That’s where holding comes in. Knowing that your partner is holding you in their mind can be the equivalent of the parent/infant holding that Winnicott discussed. They are thinking of you; you are there. I’m not suggesting all the time, but emotional safety comes from simply knowing they are holding a space for you in their mind and heart.

Holding feels quiet. More like steadiness or predictability. When finding the right partner, my clients often say, “I feel like I can just be normal.” That feeling is not boring; it’s safe and can help with a lot of self-regulation.

What Is Holding in Practice?

1. Be clear instead of strategic.Say what you mean in simple terms. If you’re interested, make it clear. If you’re busy, say when you’ll respond. Clarity can serve to regulate the nervous system. Terence’s anxiety didn’t drop because of better self-talk; it fell when his partner’s communication got consistent, which, in turn, decreased all of the interpretations. Conversely, expect the same from someone else.

Why Relationships Matter

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2. Close emotional loops.Don’t leave vulnerable moments hanging. If someone shares something real, respond to it directly, even briefly. If you miss it, circle back: “I’ve been thinking about what you said.” That’s Winnicot’s holding in action: staying emotionally connected instead of punting to adhere to dating strategies.

3. Validate your experience.Observe how someone handles your feelings and emotional needs. Do they get distant? Stay present? Validate you? Terence did better with partners who could express emotion without pressure. Steady is better than exciting if you want something that lasts. If you are questioning your experience or imagine that you “should” feel differently, it’s time to reexamine the relationship.

Real intimacy grows when emotional experience can be held. Remember, you are in the same relationship whether together or apart.

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