"But did he hit you?" I heard the courtroom official ask my client before pausing for a response.

With that one question, he dismissed all of her experiences of psychological abuse at the hands of her merciless ex-husband. Her ex's lawyer took her answer of "no" and used it to dismiss her protection order against him—the only thing that had kept her feeling even somewhat safe over the past six months.

In our society, people tend to view physical abuse as worse than emotional, psychological, or other forms of non-physical abuse. Imagine how ridiculous it would sound if the reverse were true, and victims were asked: "But did they call you names or try to humiliate you?" after they showed bruises and bloody lips. We would find that statement laughably dismissive. Yet it is used daily by law enforcement, court officials, and even health care professionals trying to assess the "severity" of domestic abuse in relationships and families.

Survivors of non-physical abuse often report their caregivers saying things that minimize their experiences and pain such as, “Stop crying, or I’ll give you something to cry about,” in response to their tears. The message teaches children that only physical abuse is worth crying about. This attitude, that whatever already upset them isn’t “bad enough,” reinforces the victim's excuse-making: minimizing, denying or even gaslighting themselves to stay in pre-awareness. For victims who experience........

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