When I met a woman I will call Jenny, I was prepared for a tough story. Her physician had contacted me to assess her case and provide treatment for domestic abuse. “I have seen terrible things,” the doctor said, “But this woman has experienced a nightmare of mind games and pain that are appalling.”

Jenny was a slim, quiet woman in her mid-30s, with an aura of sadness. She told me she was currently separated from her two young children because they had been taken by her husband, David, from whom she was separated. He had gone to the authorities claiming she was a neglectful mother with psychiatric problems, who was “morally unfit” to care for them.

“He always said he would take them,” she told me, “And now he has.” Although David was a well-regarded member of the community, at home he was different. Since their marriage five years ago, he had changed from a flashy and flattering charismatic boyfriend to a demanding and demeaning husband who had drained the joy from Jenny’s life. He controlled Jenny through disapproval, threats, and badgering, and isolated her from her family and friends. After the birth of their children, he had become more jealous of the time she spent with them and had increased his exacting standards for her cooking and cleaning. He forced her to do offensive intimate acts and monitored her every move.

David was an intimate terrorist, which is a type of perpetrator who not only physically abuses but is also coercive and controlling. Coercive abuse can be hard to spot because it may not even have physical violence, and when it does, the violence is only one aspect of the pattern of undermining and control. The manipulation and mind games are bewildering........

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