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Patterns like overworking and self-reliance often developed because they served an important purpose.

Understanding what a pattern has done for us can be more useful than immediately trying to eliminate it.

Change doesn’t have to mean abandoning the strategies that helped us get where we are.

Curiosity about why a pattern exists can create more room for choice than simply labeling it a problem.

Sometimes in therapy, I use the metaphor that our work is like inner architecture. Imagine walking into an old house you’ve just bought. Perhaps there’s a wall cutting awkwardly through the middle of a room, or an addition out back that looks like somebody built it over a long weekend, and as you take a look at the baseboards, you wonder if it’s safe to stand precisely where you’re standing. Your first instinct might be to fix what looks wrong. But before you start swinging a sledgehammer, it’s likely a wise move to learn more about what is actually holding the place up.

I think therapy could use a healthy dose of that same approach. People often meet with a therapist armed with a list of things they’d like to stop doing: overthinking, working too much, shutting down when things get emotional, needing to be in control, putting everyone else first. And it makes sense. We are taught to believe these patterns are........

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