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Demanding only makes things worse.

Assume your students--human or not--have the best motives.

Play the role of the helpful guide.

Incremental requests are helpful, but coercion is not.

So often, parents, coaches, animal trainers, employers, and, well, even school teachers forget to teach. We assume that our human or animal students know what we are asking them to do.

Why? Because we have already taught the lesson. But do we know for sure that our pupils learned it, consolidated it, can recall it later, are motivated to carry it out, and understand its necessity? Not always.

In the horse world, there’s a common saying among many trainers: “Ask, Tell, Demand.” It means that when we cue a horse to do some particular maneuver—whether simply halting from a walk or a more complex operation like jumping over an eight-foot wall—we ask in increments. That part of the saying makes good sense: We don’t want to drive a horse into an action if he doesn’t need to be driven. Perhaps if we ask gently, that will be enough.

Often, one gentle cue is enough. But if the horse misses or ignores that first “Ask,” the saying suggests that we go to the next level, “Tell.” This would be a more definitive signal, more obvious to the horse. It’s like saying, “Oh, maybe you didn’t hear me, I’d like you to halt now, please.”

In that case, riders would use stronger pressure and more body language to cue the horse to stop. A school teacher might “Tell” by raising their voice slightly or approaching the student more clearly. An employer might say "I need it by 5 pm." A parent would perhaps apply some direct eye contact or urge a child forward by saying, “Come on, get started!”

I’m on board with all this. It’s at “Demand” that I balk—as do many good horses, loving children, obedient school students, hard-working employees, and eager athletes. “Demand” means “I am going to make you do this,” even through coercion or force if necessary. It’s almost always supported by the assumption that the pupil knows what is expected but simply prefers not to do it—or, worse, prefers to undermine the teacher’s authority. We humans are excellent at ascribing manipulation or refusal where there is none, in effect creating it needlessly.

Unless the "Demand" places a horse in fear or pain, the animal is not actively refusing to follow it. Their brain doesn’t work that way. The vast majority of the time, the animal is not following the command because of confusion. The horse may not know exactly what the cue means, having had experience with similar cues that have other meanings,, or is afraid to trust the cue-giver, or has been punished in the past and wants no more painful treatment. I believe the same criteria form the reasoning of many children, athletes, other animals, employees, and school students.

So instead of “Ask, Tell, Demand” as it is so frequently applied to horses, I use “Ask, Tell, Teach.” This forces people to make an assumption that the pupil is earnest rather than manipulative, that she wants to obey but cannot, that she is trying her best and simply needs a reminder as to which behavior is expected and why. And this assumption—whether it is correct or not—contextualizes the teacher as a helpful low-stress guide, exactly what the situation needs. No one learns well when they’re scared or confused.

So, whether you ride horses or not, I encourage you to reconsider “Demand.” Usually, it only makes things worse. Try instead to offer the assumption that your pupil or child or employee is doing their best, even if you suspect they are not. The assumption will carry you both to success—not only in terms of achieving the desired maneuver but also in developing a strong level of mutual trust.

Why Education Is Important

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