Being the "only one" in a friend group is a specific, nameable risk, not just an awkward social situation.

Black parents can teach kids language for naming tokenism and choosing safe, well-known spaces for sleepovers.

White parents can raise allies by teaching kids the words to use when a friend of color is excluded or blamed.

Racial socialization and reciprocal friendships are linked to lower anxiety and better identity development.

Y'all, I have to be honest with you. I have looked at all the pictures, watched all the videos, and re-read every headline and story about Nolan Wells, and every time, my stomach drops the same way it did the first time.

An 18-year-old goes out on a boat with a group he calls friends. Somewhere in those final hours, the stories stop matching up. One group says he chose to stay behind. Another says something else. And now a grand jury, a family attorney, concerned celebrities, forensic experts, and honestly, all of Beyonce’s internet are trying to piece together what actually happened to that baby.

I'm not writing this post to solve the case. I don't have that information and I’m not sure who does. But as a clinical psychologist who has spent almost fifteen years studying racial trauma and healing, and as a mom who has to send my own son, Roman, into a world full of friend groups I don't get to supervise, I keep coming back to one question that has nothing to do with what happened on that island and everything to do with the conversations we’re having about friendships, race, survival, and joy as our birthright: Does your child actually know how to tell a real friend from a convenient one?

Because here's what I notice every time I see a story like this in the therapy space, at a school, or on the news or social media. Somebody's kid was left behind. Somebody's kid didn't speak up. Somebody’s kid was harmed. Somebody's kid told a different story once the group was no longer together. And every time, parents across the country ask the same devastating question: Would my child's "friends" have done the same thing?

We spend so much of........

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