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Parenting undermines children’s development when support exceeds what they actually need while maturing.

Healthy parenting supports autonomy through perspective-taking and allowing age-appropriate choice.

Children can stay connected to parents without needing to remain dependent and compliant.

I recently rewatched Disney’s Tangled and had some difficulty articulating exactly why Mother Gothel was so evil and not a remarkably devoted parent. While she does keep Rapunzel in a tower, she does so to protect Rapunzel from a dangerous world. She feeds her, shelters her, and attends to her needs. Rapunzel, meanwhile, can be easily described as a rebellious teenager who ignores her mother, leaves home, and pursues excitement despite being explicitly warned not to.

Through that lens, Mother Gothel can almost look like the “giver” and Rapunzel the ungrateful “taker” in their relationship… except for one thing that gives it all away. Mother Gothel “protects” Rapunzel, not for Rapunzel’s sake, but for her own.

Mother Gothel’s care has a hidden condition. Rapunzel must remain hers. Her independence is not something Mother Gothel wants to cultivate; it threatens the very arrangement that Mother Gothel needs to preserve. Rapunzel’s magical hair keeps Mother Gothel young.

The problem is not that she benefits from taking care of Rapunzel. People normally benefit from loving relationships. The problem is that Rapunzel’s continued dependence is necessary for Mother Gothel to keep getting what she wants from the relationship.

When Care Stops Relating to the Other Person’s Needs

Mother Gothel is an extreme case, but one can see through her actions what........

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