Where have all the good men gone? If you are in your teens or 20s, this probably isn’t a big issue yet. But, as you push 40, you may find yourself swimming in what seems to be a dating pool of avoidant men. Of course, there are avoidant women, too, and the patterns are not that dissimilar, and many people will not be pursuing heterosexual relationships. Clinically, however, women pursuing avoidant men seem to bear the brunt of the issue.

When people say someone is “avoidant,” they usually are referring to someone with a dismissing attachment style. The three other attachment styles are secure, anxious (preoccupied), and fearful. Whereas people with fearful styles are avoidant, they also are equally anxious. So, when I refer to “avoidant” in the remainder of this article, I am referring to the dismissing style.

Avoidant/dismissing people can be very charismatic. They often present themselves as successful, self-assured, and charming. They are initially quite flattering and interested in getting you talking about yourself. Their self-confidence and being unflappable makes them a challenge and you come away from your early interactions feeling energized and excited about the prospects. You are full of hope for what could be.

Hope is a good thing according to contemporary positive psychologists. I spent my graduate school years at the University of Kansas researching hope, and it was that that led me to my research on attachment theory. Poor parenting leads to a paucity of hope in adulthood through its contribution to insecure attachment styles. On the other hand, positive parenting leads to secure attachment and underlies the adult hopeful personality. But, hope,........

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