The Importance of Forgiveness

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Ruminating on toxic people triggers fight-or-flight and steals focus from those you love.

You become what you think about, so resenting someone can make you act just like them.

There are steps emotionally intelligent people take so toxic people don't live rent-free in their heads.

I've taught emotional intelligence for more than 20 years at Stanford and Yale, written two books on the subject, and given countless keynotes on the topic. No matter what my audience, I always hear the same question:

How do I deal with the toxic people in my life?

How do I deal with the toxic people in my life?

After all, everyone has a difficult person: the coworker who undermines you in meetings, the relative who can't resist a jab, or the friend who leaves you feeling small every time you hang up the phone.

The problem is that you find yourself thinking about them way too much. It's like they've moved into your head rent-free, and it feels awful.

Although you'd hate to admit it, you probably think more about the toxic people in your life than the ones you actually love! A snide comment from three days ago replays on a loop while you're trying to enjoy dinner with your family.

It's crazy when you think about it. Here's why and what you can do to help yourself.

Why They Take Up So Much Space

When someone treats you badly, your nervous system reacts as if you're facing a threat. It activates the same fight-or-flight response that would fire if someone were physically hurting you: a flood of stress hormones, a racing heart, a mind that won't let go of the problem.

After all, neuroscience shows that the emotional pain of rejection, for example, activates similar regions of the brain as physical pain. To top it off, the brain tends to focus more on the negative than the positive.

And the fight-or-flight system often does not know the difference between an active threat and a memory of one. Research on rumination shows that replaying a stressful encounter keeps cortisol elevated long after the encounter itself is over. Researchers call this the........

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