Why Relationships Matter

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The mythic American ideal of relationships without conflict can be a bit tyrannizing.

The truth is that all relationships have conflict, whether healthy or not.

It’s not conflict that harms relationships, but the way we deal with conflict that makes the difference.

Every two people are, by definition, different. Even identical twins have conflict. For women especially, the dominant American culture taught many of us to be nice and sublimate our needs to others—whether those others be men, children, friends, partners, or colleagues. Shoving our needs down, we now know, is unhealthy for us, body and mind. But if we haven’t been taught how to have “healthy arguments,” how can we?

These tips are available to anyone and everyone. Try one at a time or many at once; most can be used in any order to help both people in a conflict feel better, and even closer. It doesn’t matter if the disagreement is about parenting, what movie to go to, or how to pick the next city for a move.

Remember, though, “good conflict” is a practice. Just like yoga, jogging, or learning to play a musical instrument, you need to keep expectations light at first, then try and try again, so you work up to conflict symphonies you can feel really good about.

W.A.I.T., and strike when the iron is cold. In 12-step programs, WAIT is a slogan meaning, “Why Am I Talking?” When we’re mad, we need to slow down and pause, waiting to talk. For an hour, a good night’s sleep, or however long we need. Trying to have a productive conversation while fuming is close to impossible. Instead, “Strike when the iron is cold.”........

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