Why Relationships Matter

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Are we arrogant for focusing on ourselves and showing ourselves to the world? William Blake wrote: “The pride of the peacock is the glory of God.” We might say that the peacock displays his colors proudly but knows they are a gift, not his invention. He lets us see the “glory” of nature but also knows that only he can hold it in such splendor. When, in early life or in some relationships, our needs and choices were unsafe to show, inappropriate or unwelcome in others’ eyes, we might have hidden our colors.

But nonetheless, in the back woods of our mind, we still wanted to be ourselves. We might have been humiliated for our unique feathers. Now we can embrace our uniqueness as a gift that serves wholeness—the way the peacock does. His feathers are not like the medals on the puffed-out chest of a military tyrant. They are articulations of the vast variety of beauty in the natural world. The pride of the peacock is not showing off but showing forth the brilliant possibilities of grace-giving nature. The pride of the healthy ego is just like that.

Atticus Finch in To Kill a Mockingbird by Harper Lee, both in the book and the film, presents a superlative example of a healthy ego. His character shows how someone can let himself be seen as a strong person, fully himself, but totally without an egotistical attitude. He stands up for and stands by others but does not engage in revenge against those who have hurt himself or them. He does not compete because he respects others’ skill and trusts his own. The Atticus Finch character does not have to prove himself because he has a self-confidence that matches his competence. His wholesome ego manner is based on principle, courage, and empathy not on swagger or aggression. The fact that some surveys show Atticus Finch to be the most beloved character in literature tells us that deep-down we all know what integrity looks like and we honor it.

Bob Ewell is the character in the story who represents the dangerous underbelly of the ego. He is hateful, mean, out of control. His ego is arrogant though he is ignorant. His ego becomes cruelly vengeful when he loses face. Atticus accused Ewell and his daughter of lying. Saving face after this insult is so important to Ewell that he even attempts to kill two children. Bob Ewell is an example of how dangerous the ego can be. Indeed it is the most dangerous force on earth, strong enough to kill love, end relationships, start and refuse to end wars. It can reside unnoticed in anyone, a hillbilly and a president, a criminal and a judge, a penitent and a priest, a neophyte and a Buddhist master.

How can we be assertive without being egotistical? Soldiers stand when an officer enters the room. He then says: “At ease!” and they relax. This is a metaphor for ego; it stands when necessary and relaxes when appropriate. Here are some ways people with healthy pride can stand up for ourselves without egotism in the way:

We have confidence in ourselves without an air of superiority.

We consult our trustworthy healthy ego about our choices in order to keep ourselves in integrity.

We notice, protest, but do not over-react to personal insult or betrayal.

We neither defend nor attack only engage.

We stand up for our rights but do not retaliate when they are not secured: We stick to our guns but don’t fire.

We respect others’ rights and ask that they respect ours.

We do not vie for position or engage in a pissing contest.

We do not lock horns when someone’s ego is aroused toward us.

We are not over-protective of our “turf” but we do safeguard our boundaries and rights.

We can be bosses but without being bossy.

We are willing to back down when the circumstance calls for that or when we are shown to be wrong or not knowledgeable.

We keep choosing the path of nonviolence.

All of us would like to be good to others, and most of us would be relatively good in a good world. What is difficult is to be good in an evil world, where the egoism of others and the egoism built into the institutions of society attack us and threaten to annihilate us. Under such conditions, the only possible reaction would seem to be to oppose evil with evil, egoism with egoism, hate with hate; in short, to annihilate the aggressor with his own weapons. But is it not precisely thus that evil conquers us most thoroughly? For then, not only does it damage us exteriorly but it perverts our very heart. Evil is overcome only by good, hate by love, egoism by generosity. It is thus that we must sow justice in our world. To be just, it is not enough to refrain from injustice. One must go further and refuse to play its game, substituting love for self-interest as the driving force of society.

Why Relationships Matter

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-Pedro Arrupe, S.J.: Tenth International Congress of Jesuit Alumni of Europe, Valencia, Spain, 1973

Adapted from The Egoless Path to Self-Esteem and Generous Love (Shambhala, 2015)

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