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To help kids learn to manage their big emotions, parents need to be able to tolerate them, too.

When parents have a big reaction, it often amplifies the child's distress.

When parent rush to the rescue, it conveys to kids that they can't handle these moments, eroding resilience.

After 30-plus years providing parent consultation to moms and dads of kids who are wired to be big reactors, it has become clear that the most important skill that helps parents be loving and supportive is distress tolerance. Parents can still set clear limits and boundaries that kids need to thrive. This means staying calm in the heat of the stressful moment, not fixing the problem, not trying to talk your child out of their feelings, bribe or reward, coax or cajole them out of their difficult moment, but to be a quiet presence. It means accepting that discomfort is part of life. That it’s not harmful to your child. Working through it builds grit, resilience, flexibility, and strong coping skills.

I know this isn’t news. You have read about the importance of staying calm and co-regulating. But in my daily consults with parents, when we analyze the challenging encounters with their kids, often a key obstacle to a productive, healthy outcome and growth for the child is the parents’ difficulty tolerating their distress. It’s so triggering when........

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