Understanding Child Development

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When kids are struggling in a new situation, providing too much comfort can be an obstacle to their adapting.

It can send the message that we don't believe the child has what it takes to muscle through.

The key is to figure out the right amount of support that allows the child to work through the discomfort.

As the start of another school year draws near, I have been thinking about all the kids who may struggle with adapting to a new school or classroom, and I wanted to share a surprising insight I’ve gained as a result of the many years I’ve helped parents and teachers support kids in making this transition:

Providing too much comfort can be an obstacle to kids’ adapting, as illustrated by this story that reflects a common phenomenon.

Three weeks into the school year, I was observing in a classroom and noticed that a little guy, Ollie (4), who was new to the school, was in an assistant’s arms or on her lap for most of the day. He was singularly focused on this assistant, Marta, and not engaging at all with the other kids or adults. At circle time, he wouldn’t join the group. Marta would end up reading to him in the cozy corner. At center time, he would only play with Marta.

This was a new school for Ollie. He was understandably anxious and needed support to feel comfortable in this new environment. But by the end of the first month, there was no movement. He was still getting Marta’s 1:1 attention for much of the day and not participating in any of the group experiences. Instead of helping him discover that he could manage this new experience, the message he was internalizing was that he needed constant support and attention to adapt to being part of the group, that "someone will always help me feel better." Not, "I can........

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