Sometimes, we think that if we just try harder to communicate well with a mate, we can solve the problem of miscommunication. Increased effort does not always solve the problem. Understanding when and how we miscommunicate does. Troubled romantic relationships are often sabotaged by unconscious issues, says marriage and family therapist William J. Matta. Here are four ways unconscious matters can derail communication efforts.

When a person thinks or wishes something and then believes it actually takes place, they are engaging in magical thinking.. A person’s wishes and thoughts are assumed to be the same as doing or taking action.

A woman shows her husband a fur coat in a magazine: “Isn’t this pretty?” He responds, “Yes, it is.” Nothing more is said. Several months later after opening Christmas presents, the wife asks her husband, “Where’s my fur coat?” Her husband is perplexed. “What fur coat?” “The one I showed you in a magazine a few months ago.”

The wife engaged in magical thinking. She liked the coat in the magazine and wanted it. She assumed wanting it would magically result in her husband buying it for her. She never asked. She never had a dialogue with her husband about purchasing it. The event was all in her mind. You can see the confusion her magical thinking introduces in their relationship.

Projection occurs when you attribute to another person what you think or feel. Since no two people........

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