Years ago I was invited to four weddings in one summer. There was so much travel I took on an additional part time job to pay for expenses. It was important to be there for my friends, especially knowing the challenges they’d faced to reach this milestone. And yet, as I traveled to those weddings, I couldn’t help but wonder why romance hadn’t happened for me. Like the berries in our Upside-Down British Summer Pudding, I wanted something sweet and refreshing to call my own.

With July 4th weekend looming, I’ve thought back to that summer, wondering about the process of meeting someone today. While our book Eating Together Being Together talks about family relationships, I thought it’d be fun to focus on romantic relationships this summer:

What are we looking for in romance? How can we find it? Are there times we need to step back from romance, focusing on ourselves instead?

When clients share they want to be with someone but continue to get hurt or ending up with the wrong person, we often take a step back from relationships to consider what’s going on individually.

It’s natural to be in a relationship with someone who fills a part of us. “Opposites attract” is true when a partner’s quality complements our natural selves. My chef husband Julian’s quiet presence is calming when I start to fret. And for Julian, I hope my joy of nurturing friendships supports engagement with others.

The risk, however, is when we’re with someone to fill a need rather than considering if we really want to be with that person. That's when we might settle. And while settling is a problem all on its own, it also means we lose time trying to find the right fit.

In these moments, conversations with clients likely turn to "Plant Your Own Garden." When we metaphorically do so, we plant the seeds for experiences and friendships that nurture........

© Psychology Today