Why Relationships Matter

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In the parent/child dynamic, one partner over-functions and the other under-functions.

The parent-partner gains control and may become bitter and rigid.

The child-partner gains freedom, but is not respected. This hierarchy hurts the sexual and intimate bonds.

Co-authored with Galit Romanelli

"He didn't understand your question."

I had just asked Eli a question, and as he was pondering his answer, Dana jumped in. "He thinks it's because I'm too strict with the kids. He doesn't understand that it's because he's not present." This was the third time she answered for him.

"Thank you," I said, "but let me talk to him directly. He's a big boy and he'll ask me to clarify if he doesn't understand."

"But I'm seeing you miscommunicate."

"It's happening right now. I'm having a moment with Eli, and you're getting activated as if he's a child who doesn't understand my question. Let me and him sort it out. Every time you come to 'help him,' you're locking you two as mommy and child."

They came because Dana was tired of singlehandedly managing their marriage and home. With two small kids under 6, they were in the classic parent/child dynamic I often see in the clinic.

How Two Adults Become Parent and Child

A few weeks earlier, Dana had asked me: "How can I stop being the always-right, reliable mother, if he continues to not show up... Who's going to file our taxes? Who will pay the bills? Too many times Eli didn't do his part. So no, from now on, he can't mess up anymore, because I took everything over."

The parent/child dynamic in heterosexual couples often........

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