Every winter you see them, the few trees who just will not let go of their leaves. Little brown leaves flittering in the frigid wind. Hard as the wind may blow, they hang on and hang on. Is the tree holding on, or is it the leaves that will not let go?

The word for this hanging on is marcescence. It basically means that leaves that were supposed to fall in late autumn and early winter do not drop. There are several theories as to why this might happen, but the truth is unknown.

We are all like that sometimes. We just won’t let go—no matter how cold it gets, no matter how hard the wind blows, we hold on with all of our might. We hold on to fantasies about how it was supposed to be—waiting and waiting for the fantasy to come true. We hold on to relationships that are not working, bargaining with a reality that is not likely to change. We hold on to jobs that we hate, because we do not believe we deserve or should be allowed to have what we want.

For example, someone in your life may be unable to listen for very long to what you have to say, and even if they do listen, they do not empathize or maybe even try to understand. Well, you say, I can keep working with that—they’ll learn. They have such a beautiful soul—I’m sure that they are really good people deep inside. They have so much potential. I’ll just be patient; I’ll just try to be a model of good empathizing. I’ll just keep asking for what I need. But the wind keeps blowing, colder and colder, and we just keep holding on.

Or worse, perhaps someone in your life has an addiction about which they are in denial. They think that they only use on weekends, so it’s not really an addiction. Or, they are only using recreationally, so it doesn’t really count. Or, they are managing to keep their job, and the children don’t seem to mind. There are many ways in which denial manifests. The question often becomes, however, are you in denial too? Are you missing the signals that when they are using they become belligerent and even abusive? Well, you say, they only said/did that because they were drunk or high. But what if nothing can come out of a person that is not in them? What if being drunk or high only removed the inhibitions? And here’s the bigger question: What if you can’t fix them?

Or what if they are verbally, emotionally, or even physically abusive and gaslight you every time you notice and/or speak out about their abuse. They tell you that you are just overreacting again, or you are seeing things, you are paranoid, you are the crazy one here, you made me do it, etc., etc. As gaslighting does, their statements make you question yourself—"maybe there is something wrong with me,” you say. But even when we get clear, even temporarily, that we are not the problem, we hold on. We hold on to the relationship because we are afraid to be alone, because we keep thinking they will change, because we see so much potential, because we love them and can’t imagine living without them, because we think that we should just forgive them and take them back again and again, because we believe that we should just keep trying, and trying, and trying. We hold on, no matter how hard the wind blows, no matter how cold.

These are just a few of the examples of how a person might hold on to things that are not now and perhaps never were working. Jobs we hate, unrealistic dreams that simply have no way of coming true, toxic friendships, family members, etc. We hold on.

So, what does it mean then to let go? The first thing we can do is begin to allow ourselves to become aware. Not only do we need to become aware of what is going on externally, but also what is going on internally. What is the reality of this particular situation? Perhaps, in order to face the external situation, we might need to educate ourselves a bit more. Look up what worries you online. What is a toxic relationship? What is verbal abuse? What is emotional abuse? What is gaslighting?

What kind of jobs are out there? Are any of them interesting to me? Do any of them, perhaps, ignite my passion? Is there an avocation that might really light my fire? These are all good questions—at least some of which might be answerable by doing a little research.

But what is going on internally is even more important. In what ways am I deluding myself about what is really going on here? In what ways am I settling for far less than what I really want in a relationship? Why am I doing that? Is it because I don’t believe I deserve any better? Is it because I believe that I am strong and should be able to take it and keep on trying? Is it because I am looking for a potential to show up that has never shown up in this relationship before? What keeps me holding on?

These questions are already a form of letting go. They acknowledge the fact that there is something really wrong here, and something has got to change. Just acknowledging that fact is a big step in the process of letting go. And, after these questions have been asked and answered, we can then begin the process of making the decision to do something about it. That is the next step. And finally, we act. And the leaf drops.

© Psychology Today