The phrase “forgive and forget” is a common slogan and recommendation. But does it make sense for trauma survivors?

While researching for my book, You Don’t Need to Forgive: Trauma Recovery on Your Own Terms, I discovered that many trauma survivors, including myself, have been encouraged to forgive their offenders and to forget their offenses. This advice can be well-intended, as its advocates might want us to feel better and to heal. Yet, “forgive and forget” in trauma recovery can be highly problematic and counterproductive.

Here are five reasons why “forgive and forget” is terrible advice for trauma survivors:

Genuine forgiveness requires memory, not its absence. If you have no memory of the offense, there is nothing for you to forgive. For instance, if a friend calls you a slanderous name and you don’t recall the experience by the next day, you haven’t forgiven them or forgotten the offense. If you forget an offense, you........

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