The Importance of Forgiveness

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Everyone is talking about family estrangement, and for good reason. More people are reporting that they are choosing estrangement, as a national survey of adults in the United States found that 27% were estranged from at least one family member, which amounts to 67 million people. i Given such a high prevalence, there has been an increased focus on ways to end or prevent family estrangement, but people often misunderstand what estrangement is.

Family estrangement is about increasing distance. It’s defined as “the condition of being physically or emotionally distanced from one or more family members, either by choice or at the request or decision of the other.” ii The distance can be complete, such as going “no contact” or “cutting ties,” or it can decrease along a continuum, such as communicating only by text or visiting once a year. Since family estrangement involves increased distance, forgiveness is often not an appropriate intervention.

Forgiveness Is Not Reconciliation

The opposite of estrangement is reconciliation, a reconnection after a period of separation. This reconnect also occurs on a continuum: it can be a complete relational reconnection, such as a return to previous levels of connection, or a slight increase in connection, such as going from texts only to including phone calls.

Forgiveness is “an emotional process that results in a reduction in negative emotions, thoughts, and behavioral dispositions toward the offender(s).”iii People often confuse forgiveness with reconciliation and may use the terms interchangeably. They are not the same, as reconciliation is about reconnection, and forgiveness is an emotional process that could bring about reconnection, but not always.

You Can Reconcile, Without Forgiving

Someone who has chosen family estrangement might choose to reconcile without forgiving. You can increase your connection with someone while feeling resentful, frightened, or apathetic towards them. You can have negative thoughts about them and engage in harmful behaviors toward them, while simultaneously increasing contact with them.

Consider this example: Josh was estranged from his father for five years due to his father’s pattern of favoring his siblings. Josh decided to increase his contact with his father by visiting twice a year once he became a parent. He wanted his children to have the opportunity to have a relationship with their grandfather. However, Josh felt resentful towards his father, did not think of him positively, and showed him no friendliness. Josh reconciled and has not forgiven.

You Can Forgive, Without Reconciling

Someone who has forgiven may choose not to reconcile. You can feel less resentful, frightened, or apathetic, and more empathy, compassion, and love towards a family member, without increasing your contact with them. You can have positive thoughts about them and genuinely wish them well, while maintaining distance.

The Importance of Forgiveness

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Consider another example: Josh attends therapy, and as a result, he feels less resentment towards his father. He considers his father a person worthy of love and happiness, and he wants him to have a good life. He also chooses not to have him in his life and will not allow him contact with his grandchildren. Josh has forgiven, and not reconciled.

Reconciliation Isn’t Always the Answer

Forgiveness may bring about reconciliation in family estrangement, but not always, as estrangement is about creating distance, not promoting unforgiveness. Reconciliation may end family estrangement, but it’s not the best option for everyone. There are family estrangements that should remain in place to provide safety and opportunities to thrive.

i. Pillemer, K. A. (2020). Fault lines: Fractured families and how to mend them. Avery.

ii. Agllias, K. (2017). Family estrangement: A matter of perspective. Routledge.

iii. Gregory, A. A. (2025). You don’t need to forgive: Trauma recovery on your own terms. Broadleaf Books.

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