Before I soapbox about smoothies and women, I must make one thing clear: The girls are not all right. And by “the girls” I mean myself, and a few of my other friends who don’t identify as men. When I heard that The Legend of Zelda: Echoes of Wisdom would finally put Zelda in the driver’s seat of her own game, I was obviously ecstatic. I am a woman, and I like to play games as a woman when possible — and this is my first chance to do so for my all-time favorite franchise.

But now that the game is out, I’m all in my head about the representation of Zelda, and a girl protagonist in general, in the game. I have a lot of thoughts that are varying degrees of unhinged. (That’s a general........

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