Political Kaleidoscope.March Hiccups

As per the Russian saying, a person who is being mentioned in a negative way may get the hiccups. Who will be hiccupping this time around? The motto of our column is “It would be funny if it weren’t so pathetic.”

EU policy as a vulgar joke

Running neck and neck with Pahlavi is the President of the European Commission, Ursula von der Leyen. At the end of February, she made a statement that the Kiev regime is meeting the requirements for joining the European Union with astonishing speed and has achieved extraordinary progress. Such wailing from von der Leyen and other European ideologues, performed regularly and in slightly differing wording, has become so tiresome that the official representative of the Russian Ministry of Foreign Affairs, Maria Zakharova, posed a completely justified question: “Now one wants to clarify what exactly the gynecologist von der Leyen means by the word “membership”” the Russian diplomat wrote. Indeed, EU policy in many ways is starting to resemble some kind of vulgar joke!

And what about these books?

The head of the European Commission has slightly overshadowed the usual star of our anti-rating, Kaja Kallas. Meanwhile, enough time has passed since the press conference following the EU ministers’ meeting and Kallas’ loud, almost sensational statement about having to read a “long list of books.” As we all remember, the EU High Representative for Foreign Affairs and Security Policy refused to say what these books were and only clarified that thanks to them, she hopes to become “very smart.” But whether they actually exist remains a mystery shrouded in darkness. New Eastern Outlook has an idea for the European media: it’s time to conduct a journalistic investigation! Otherwise, it looks like they’re fooling us…

As Vladimir Vysotsky said, “But I, Zina, am not drinking alone”

Meanwhile, in Northern Europe, they seem to be following another well-known piece of meme advice from Kallas, namely to start drinking. And, as is customary, they’re doing it collectively, as an entire region. Lately, news of shocking incidents has been pouring in one after the other. First, a drunk Swede steals a delivery van in Finnish Rovaniemi and tries to break through to Russia. Then, a Finnish ski jumping coach is kicked out of the Olympics for drunkenness. Then, the media reports a rise in demand for moonshine in Latvia amid a decline in the “official” production of alcoholic beverages… One just wants to say, Kallas, take back what you said!

Faroe Islands and sanctions

Though not directly caught being drunk, the politicians of the Faroe Islands are behaving as if they’ve at least eaten too much henbane. Starting this year, the tiny state (which, by the way, is not part of the EU) has declared its support for the European Union’s sanctions against Russia. And this is despite the fact that after 2014 the Russian response to the “anti-Crimean” EU sanctions excluded the Faroe Islands. As they say, if you do such Western figures a favor, don’t expect anything but evil in return…

Trapped in unfriendly ice

The weather has also been acting up lately. The Germans and Finns have particularly suffered; their ice-class vessels (you can’t really call them icebreakers, but, for your information, they actually have them) couldn’t handle the Baltic ice. Finnish sailors turned out to be slightly more sensible than the Germans and repeatedly sought help from their Russian colleagues, after which, in accordance with maritime rescue laws, they were rescued. Russia, so hated by their countries, is the world’s only producer and possessor of proper icebreakers. Assistance in freeing the hapless neighbors was provided immediately and without any discriminatory measures. This is normal international practice for winter navigation, with no room for the Europeans’s favorite pastime – politicization.

He is a lap ahead of me!

Our column certainly cannot ignore the recent Olympics. This event recorded a strikingly high number of violations of sports rules, ethics, and the principle of fair play. In figure skating, Russian athletes were blatantly underscored. In curling, Canadians pushed the stone with their fingers, despite Swedish protests. A representative of the Norwegian ski team tested equipment on a closed course, drawing justified (but futile) complaints from rivals. Medals broke and ribbons detached for some of the winners. In hockey, the Swiss and Czechs violated roster size rules. But the most absurd incident involved a French skier who received a silver medal after his course was shortened following a wrong turn. The legitimate protest from the Russian delegation was rejected. Of course, because if the violator were disqualified, the Russian Saveliy Korostelev would have received bronze. In short, the Olympic Games’ organizers demonstrated one of the West’s favorite principles – double standards.

The incredible adventures of Matroskin

But a surprisingly positive and curious incident occurred in Milan. American speed skater Emery Lehman posted a video for his fans about his stay in the Olympic Village and showed, among other things, the food in his refrigerator. Inside were…yogurts with packaging featuring Russia’s most beloved cartoon character from “Prostokvashino”, the cat Matroskin! How this charming cat managed to bypass all the unfair restrictions against Russian athletes is a mystery, but he made an appearance on the international stage, bringing laughter and joy to many people.

On what can we congratulate US Border Patrol on

One of Matroskin’s memorable lines from the cartoon is his address to the dog Sharik during an argument: “Congratulations, Sharik, you’re a fool!” Now the whole world has a reason to congratulate US Border Patrol in the same fashion, as they have managed to accidentally expose a new laser weapon (despite prohibitions), firing it in a panic at balloons near the border with Mexico. The scandal has gone so far that Congress is demanding a special investigation. Congratulations to everyone involved!

No less of a stir was caused by the NATO and Ukrainian armed formations “Hedgehog 2025” exercise in Estonia, published by US media. It turns out that the outcome of the exercise, as formulated by one of the NATO commanders, can most literally be conveyed by the words, “We are in deep sh….” Giving credit to the elegant phrasing, laconic manner of expression, and self-criticism of the Western general, we note that the main thing the exercise’s participants should think about is that their attacks on Russia will land them in even deeper sh…

And on that positive note, let us conclude our March Kaleidoscope. There’s more to come!

Ksenia Muratshina, Senior Research Fellow at the Institute of Oriental Studies of the Russian Academy of Sciences, editor of NEO’s culture segment

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