Parents frequently say that “all they want” is for their kids to be happy. But what does this happiness look like?

The things that parents tend to focus on — good grades, college acceptances, a fulfilling career — are all measures of achievement. Pride in an achievement may well engender a feeling of happiness, but it certainly isn’t the only way to get there. Plus, most parents don’t really want their child’s happiness limited to milestones like graduations or championships.

In fact, parents’ efforts to secure their kids’ happiness are often the very things most likely to keep kids from feeling happy. Doug Bolton, a psychologist and author of Untethered: Creating Connected Families, Schools, and Communities to Raise a Resilient Generation, explained how this process tends to work.

Parents often “think something is wrong when our children are unhappy. We become distressed when they are distressed. Often, when we intervene to take away their distress, we are robbing them of the opportunity to learn to tolerate their own distress and, thus, limit their ability to develop resilience — which, in itself, gives us greater access to happiness,” Bolton told HuffPost.

In other words, kids need experience dealing with a full range of emotions — including sadness, disappointment and frustration — if they’re going to lead the kind of lives we think of as happy ones.

Parents’ laser-focus on kids’ achievement is another obstacle. The pressure to succeed can leave kids feeling like their parents’ love is conditional, that they are valued for what they do instead of who they are.

“In our parenting and educational practices, we increasingly value things outside of the person to justify their value — their achievement of grades, the number of likes on their social media posts, and their participation on several travel teams are examples of this. These can lead to moments of happiness that undermine longer........

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