The spirit of Ealing comedies is alive and well in Scotland, thanks to one of the most audacious, daft, comedic true crime stories to descend upon us in decades.

In fact, the story of the Wee Tea Plantation (told in court this week) reveals a plotline so infused with dark farcical comedy that Creative Scotland should be reaching for the cheque book right now. And searching for the next Alec Guinness.

Here’s how the synopsis runs.

Act 1.

Cheeky, confident, former professional rugby player, army officer and acclaimed polymer scientist Tam O’ Braan sets up home in a cosy Perthshire village where he establishes a tea-growing estate, The Wee Tea Plantation, on which his home-grown plants are encouraged to rise in defiance of the Scottish climate by a special biodegradable polymer and controlled UV light.

This pioneer of our very own tea empire, who once worked for Barack Obama’s US government on a major maize project, then produces a very special Scottish tea, a fragrance which hints at Bannockburn, Oor Wullie and indeed the spirit of Muriel Spark. O’Braan then proceeds to sell his home-grown plants onto many other hopeful growers, whom he convinces that the world will embrace their Scottish tea in the way it has whisky, Billy Connolly, and anything with a Tunnock’s label attached.

But O’Braan doesn’t simply sell plants. He takes examples of his heather and thistle infused blends – with names such as Scottish Antlers Tea and ­Highland Green, and sells the leaf tea to a huge range of upmarket clients such as the Balmoral Hotel and The Dorchester in London, while describing........

© Herald Scotland