US President Donald Trump has announced he will introduce tariffs on films made outside of Hollywood. However, in a secret memo revealed today he reveals that Scotland may be a special case, given the ‘very, very beautiful movies’ that top our film history. Here's how we imagine his email might look.

Local Hero

Local Hero (Image: Moviestore Collection/REX) Isn’t this the greatest story ever told? Drill baby drill. Burt Lancaster was fantastic as the American oil man so clever he convinces the locals he’s been bamboozled by their coughing and cutesy ways, while all the time he sets out to annex the sh*t out of them. Love it, baby. And it proves that if you throw enough dollars on the table, then Greenland and Canada will join the Trump party too.

Braveheart

Braveheart (Image: free) Some newspaper critic once said this movie ‘serves up a great big steaming pile of haggis,’ that it got its dates all wrong, that Wallace came from Renfrewshire – not some Highland hut – and that everyone looks like they’re appearing in Mad Max: Beyond Thunderdome and points out that Wallace’s girlfriend has perfect teeth. But didn’t they also have very good dentists in the 13th century? Fake news, baby. And why was this movie deemed a little homophobic? Who’s to say Edward 2nd didn’t sprance around the French palace in baby blue crushed velvet? As you know, I have so many fabulous friends who happen to be gay, but I am a traditionalist, and I think the movie was right on the money. And for those who say Wallace........

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