Who knows what they would make of it down The Tall Ship, the watering hole that is to River City what the Queen Vic and the Rovers Return are to EastEnders and Coronation Street.

“Have you heard what those bams in the Scottish Parliament are up to now?” one patron might venture.

“Don’t tell me,” says Lenny. “They’re inviting Nicola Sturgeon back as First Minister.” Lenny has not been well lately.

“That’s no it,” says Scarlett. “I heard one of them would be highlighting BBC Scotland’s decision to end River City and close its Dumbarton studios, with the consequent loss of much-needed jobs and skills.”

“Like that's going to change anything,” says Lenny. “Okay then, if not Nicola, what about Humza? He was always good for a laugh.” [A glass flies across the bar. Cue music and credits, cue oblivion next year when BBC Scotland finally pulls the plug.]

I don’t know how many BBC executives will tune into the Scottish Parliament on Thursday to watch Labour MSP Neil Bibby advance the case for keeping River City, but they ought to. Calling time on the soap is a grubby, short-sighted act of cultural vandalism that should not be allowed to stand.

River City had been getting the fuzzy end of the lollipop for some time before the axe landed. The beginning of the end was showing blocks of episodes with long breaks between. Even the most avid fans could not keep up with when the soap would appear. Unsurprisingly, viewer numbers fell. So when the closure announcement came, the cry that went up was not as loud as it would have........

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